you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
