My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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