Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
