You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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