I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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