I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
