Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
