clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
