Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
