I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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