can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
