I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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