omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
