I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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