Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
