I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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