I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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