Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My balls are so social today.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
