Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
