remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
