At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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