I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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