you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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