Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
