You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
