The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
