Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
