woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
