textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
