Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize