i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
