yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
