Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
