Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
