I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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