Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
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Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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