im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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