my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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