okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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