never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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