the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
