You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
