I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
