just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
