Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
