i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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