3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
