Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
