My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
