the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.