I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
