I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
