stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
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She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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