just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
