I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Pooping to opera.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
