i was born a porn star she said
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
