well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
