If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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